


please, stay.

by isola13



Category: The Poppy War - R. F. Kuang
Genre: F/M, the dragon republic spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 03:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30032178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isola13/pseuds/isola13
Summary: the dragon republic ch19 from Nezha's pov.“Kill me.”“I can’t do that.”Yes you can, he thought. You're the only one who can.
Relationships: Fang Runin/Yin Nezha
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	please, stay.

**Author's Note:**

> writing Nezha pov is fun, why lie.

At first, Nezha didn't even know what was happening.

He didn't register the pain. He only knew he wanted to lift the waters, wanted to save them all from this disaster, because the catastrophe was incoming, and a split-second decision had taken over his senses. At the moment the want was so much stronger than the fear of the Dragon.

At the moment, he didn't think he was even aware of the consequences of his God.

So he let it in.

* * *

Her face was the first thing he registered when he opened his eyes.

Everything was drowning. Or perhaps he was drowning. The overwhelming God had conquered his vision and all he saw was the chaos, the power that wouldn't let him go. Half his mind was on the deck and half his mind had already left his body, on the brink of submitting to the pain. 

Nezha desperately tried to grasp onto reality, only for it to dissipate right beneath his fingertips.

But she was the only thing that burned brighter than everything else. 

For one brief, ecstatic moment, he felt relieved. Because it was Rin, Rin—because she was the killer, she was the air through the surface, she was the only breath he had ever been able to take—because this time, Nezha had her when before he had no one.

No one.

He saw her, and knew he was saved.

But the moment passed like a blink of an eye and the voice overwhelmed him, bursting and exploding inside his head, the voice he fought every day to keep at bay—

_ Let me in _

_ Let me take control _

_ You will destroy the Empress in a heartbeat _

_ You can end this _

_ We can end this _

_ Just let me in _

"Nezha—"

Her voice broke through the ones screaming inside his head. Or perhaps he'd been the one screaming.

She was asking him a question. He moaned. 

"It hurts—"

He thrashed his hand, trying and failing to chase the voices away. Chase the pain away. But she was holding him back, and couldn't she see, couldn't she understand that he had to fight back?

"It's in my mind—"

He had to get it out, get it out of his head, his back so that it no longer  _ hurts _ .

"It's telling me—fuck, Rin—"

Nezha thought he knew pain before, but the constant throbbing, as if the voice was hammering from the inside to rip itself out of his own head was the worst he had felt in recent memory. There was no hope that maybe the pain would end with his life. There was no twisted cruelty that the pain would recede with time, like his other wounds.

No, this was going to go on for eons.

He needed it to end—he needed her to understand—

He reached over with all his strength and grabbed her wrists.

“Kill me.”

“I can’t do that.”

_ Yes you can, _ he thought.  _ You're the only one who can.  _

But as he opened his mouth to say it, the Dragon's voice overwhelmed his vision and a scream instead tore out of his throat.

At that moment, logic was far from his mind. He just needed to get it out, get the Dragon out, " _ Get out! _ " he screamed. Or he thought. He didn't know. Just get out.  _ Leave me alone _ . His hand desperately flung to fend off the pain physically out of his back. But he felt his hand find Rin instead of the intended target. A hard slap resonated through the terror, and Nezha saw through the brief of haze Rin's cheek flaring at the impact.

Horror flashed through his mind. “I’m sorry,” he said. He couldn't think straight. Thoughts were cramming, mixing with memories and he didn't know whether Rin was mad or hurt or both. They were back in Sinegard, and he had slapped her because he was so mad that she dared still wasn't defeated by him, and she had him on the ground, just like now, and she was slamming his face into dirt. She was mad. She had been mad. But she had almost killed him. She would have killed him. What about now? Would she not kill him now, not spare him with death now that he hurt her?

He never intended to hurt her.

He was losing control. He could feel the God taking over. He felt the strength—the power moving the rivers underneath the ship and it seemed to tear through his body, abusing its conduit. Nezha could barely hold on—if he let go completely, he was too scared to know what'll happen. If he didn't, he didn't know if he was strong enough to keep it at bay for long.

This was it, then. This was his last moment. He wouldn't die, but he possibly couldn't stay sane through this forever. Death would be kinder, but life had never been kind to him. Why would death be any different?

Rin was saying something—or was it her? Nezha couldn't tell anymore. He thought he felt her hands on his cheek. Her face and the Dragon overlapped, and it was getting harder to discern her voice. In the distant back at the Pantheon, Nezha thought he heard the Phoenix shrieking as well.

_ Please, Rin. If it's you, please kill me. _

Someone was forcing his mouth open. He fought back, panic filling his mind but the hold on him was too strong. Something vile filled his mouth, then a second passed and everything stood dead silent as the voices of the gods suddenly cut off as if a knife had sliced them clean cut.

And Nezha's vision went black.

* * *

When he slowly rose from his stupor, it was peaceful.

No gods. No voices inside his head. No power overwhelming his body. It almost felt hollow. Empty. Vacant. He’d used up all his lifetime’s sorrow at one go, and there was no more left he could spare. 

Before, he was closer to God’s world than anyone. Now, he felt further away from humanity than anyone.

So peaceful, that he thought this was the closest he might experience death.

Silence was bliss. 

“Nezha?”

As in a trance, he slowly turned his head. Blinked to make sure he wasn’t dreaming her up.

Was it a dream? No, it felt real. Even under opium, his view glazed and disoriented, he could focus on her face. It was steady, furrowed, and worried.

"Do you know what happened?"

Water. Voices. God. Her face. Pain. Pain on his back, on every wound the Dragon had healed, inside his head. Her voice. Pain. Her hand on his cheek, gentle and warm. But no, that was now, wasn't it? He could feel her fingers.

"Yes."

It took a couple of more tries to make sense of what she was saying.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

A question. He needed to answer, didn't he? He blinked. Why didn't he?

He wanted to tell her. That was the first thought. But the hesitant ones quickly followed as well. Why didn't he want to tell her? His foggy mind sluggishly searched for an answer. What was he afraid of? He was afraid of what she might think of him. 

“You should’ve told me.”

He should’ve. Why didn’t he? She was right. He didn’t know what or why, but he should’ve. Why didn’t he? His mind came up blank. Why couldn’t he think straight?

The fear of lack of lucidity was coming back. Nezha wanted to let it out.

Should he say it? But when he opened his mouth, he felt too exhausted for such a confession right now. 

He wanted to keep talking to her though. He wanted her there. If he talked, maybe she might stay. But when he tried to say something, the opium's heavy power clouded his vision and thoughts, disorienting his view. What was he saying? Was he saying?

Everything was shining too brightly. He closed his eyes.

Then they flung open as the figure that radiated Rin's presence started to leave.

He frowned. 

"Where are you going?"

She was leaving. He didn’t know why, because he didn’t want her to leave. 

"I should let you rest."

He pushed his body up with his elbows, just barely, panic suddenly coming back quick and fast. “No―Don't go―"

She turned, startled.

He wanted to explain that when she left, he felt out of balance. Out of secure. No. Secure wasn't what he felt with her, but she still steadied him. The opposite center of gravity that grabbed him from tipping over.

She had brought him back. She kept his curse in check.

Nezha wanted to say it all, tell her, but even as the thought occurred to him, they slipped away as water slipped through his fingers, only lingering enough drops for him to say:

“Please. Stay.”

He was surprised when she did.

"All right." She came back, and all was right. “I'm right here.”

Nezha let out a breath.

Then a question that had haunted him for years, a question that he had wanted to ask for a long time yet never had the chance or the opening, slipped past his consciousness before anything else. Or perhaps he’d always known he could've asked, but didn't want to hear the answer.

"What's happening to me?"

"Just close your eyes, Nezha. Go back to sleep."

Lies. He was so far from safe. He couldn't just sleep.

But he felt Rin’s warm hands closing around his cold one, and finally he felt balanced enough to close his eyes.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much! originally this was going to end before the latter half scene, but thought it'd be more interesting to see the please, stay scene so I let myself work more. hope everyone liked it.


End file.
